tornado up

I once saw a diagram of recovery - a tornado oscillating its way up the page, meaning that even as we improve, we'll dip back into old behaviors and feelings and crawl our way back out again and again.

I try to remember that on mornings like today, when I wake up feeling worse after a few days of feeling better. I wish there were some stasis; I wish I could have a lengthy stretch of feeling alright without panic ripping through my guts, without a deep sense of grief and depression weighing me down, without rage & knee-jerk reaction making regrettable decisions for me.

Just a respite.