Equilibrium

I've only told 1 friend that I'm not taking anti-depressants right now. It's been about a month or so since my last dose - I ran out in the middle of my latest financial crisis.

I'm wary. I believe in the simple facts of a brain misfiring various neurotransmitters, and the ability of meds to right the scale. At the same time, I recognize my gift for spinning a web of anxiety & depression from nothingness - the impact of thoughts & "self-talk" on the brain.

Practicing thought stopping, taking small walks here & there, eating a bit healthier, forcing myself not to act on panicked impulse, talking myself through the worst of times ("wait 15 minutes, calm down, distract yourself, you are not in imminent physical danger, this will pass")...all of these have added up to an uncertain balance that I did not think possible. These practices are clearing out the dangerous expanse of my mental haunted forest that medication never touched anyway, that always lurked in the background full of specters ready to pull me into the darkest places with no warning.

I'm starting to understand about demons, about not only facing them but making pacts of peace (if not yet firm friendship) with them. These days, when a ghoul rears up from the abyss, I stare it square in the face without flinching. Growl all you want, I say; gnash teeth, try to spook me. It's all just myriads of myself, reflections upon reflections distorted through years of bad thinking.

I pull the thorn right from the beast's paw and get on with my day.