In the past 5 days

I have
       -realized i didn't ask off for loren's wedding, and scurried to get my weekend at work covered; insert angry diatribe at myself here
       -messed up checking account AGAIN and stressed out daily
       -sat with poor diana who had dental surgery (and fell asleep on her couch rather than being good company)
       -given an inarticulate, bumbling job interview, and made calls to friends to weep & express my disgust with my idiot self
       -scurried for financial papers for apartment application, and taken them to apartment complex; felt wretched about irresponsible money management
       -not been hired for job "We hired someone very qualified"), and had no time to cry/process; made calls to friends and played it off like everything's fine
       -signed apartment lease with jay
       -went couch shopping with jay
       -rushed home for lunch
       -attended wedding rehearsal; guiltily felt all unloveable, old maid feelings surge up and angrily redirected self to my happiness for loren who i love immensely and am very happy for
       -hurried home to fix supper and help get kids settled to bed at decent hour
       -had nightmares and been awake for hours in middle of night
       -woke up late and hurried to jay's son's flag football practice
       -sat on bleachers behind jay's ex-wife & her boyfriend, feeling painfully awkward
       -hurried from football to complete walk-through inspection on new apartment within required time frame
       -rushed home to prep for wedding and, rather than getting there early to help decorate etc as I'd wanted to, got there 15 minutes before wedding started
       -gave reading at wedding of friend loren (to brian), who has been a steadfast and truest friend to me for years, while praying i'm not the asshole who ruins her wedding
       -caught up with college friends through cocktails and part of dinner
       -guiltily went home before cake was even cut due to exhaustion (mental & physical) and impending panic attack
       -rushed to nalley breakfast after woken by niece's pitiful phone call ("You're still coming, aren't you?") with chorus of relations in background irritated by my habitual tardiness
       -made jewelry with my nieces, and felt sorry for myself as they all made pieces for my brother's fiance, who has deservedly garnered my former title of favorite aunt
       -tried to keep eyes open on drive home to louisville
       -disappointed diana with a phone call to cancel plans to watch season 3 premiere of dexter
       -cried a bit, feeling like i fail everyone i love and wondering when i became such a lousy friend/aunt

i'm sick of myself. i'm sick of being sick of myself. i'm sick of constantly feeling inadequate, disappointing, more trouble than i'm worth. so many of these activities were NOT ABOUT me, and yet i'm in the starring role of my life, how can i help but be aware of my own feelings?

why are so many of my feelings petty and mean and selfish/self-centered?

over the last week, i told my friend amy, "i used to be a good person. i used to be nice, not just out loud but in my head."

so what steps can i take today not to suck? not to be this person i don't like?

and tomorrow, what steps?

i feel taunt, tense, exhausted, angry, depressed. lost cause. 31 years of me, how can it become any different now?

how tedious and boring this low-self-esteem bullshit is. i'm unreliable. i'm moody. i make promises i can't keep. i don't think before making plans.

or is it too many people, places, things? how can i spend time with my family, my friends, start my own business, be with jay & his kids, keep house clean, do super job at work, when it seems like i need massive amounts of time by myself processing?

but the time by myself has to be good time, not wasted brainless time. i've been on autopilot a la depression for months again.

get therapy, elizabeth. get some fucking therapy and get the hell over yourself.